Feelings & Faith

“Jesus said to her, “Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?” John 11:40 ESV

Time continues to tick down as I stand in my final 2 weeks here in my home of 4 months. As Ramadan came to a close last week, my schedule and the city have transitioned back to normal. Shops have reopened, people are out and about, and my days have begun to fill back up with friends and food. I once again feel productive, enjoying the time I have with these people while also finding opportunities to point conversations and situations back to Jesus. Likewise following my last post in terms of spirituality, while my emotions from day to day still often feel at a low, my faith has continued to grow through (1) God’s direct words from scripture and (2) through an incredible book called “Mere Christianity”. Through these sources, God has continued to encourage and lead me in understanding my role in his grand plan for the lost and his will for them to be reconciled to Himself.

While God has spoken to me multiple times these two weeks, the most powerful word to my heart was the story of Lazarus in John 11, and a quote on faith with feelings from C.S Lewis. First, in John 11 we see Jesus say in verse 15 that he is glad he was not there, for their sake, that they may believe. As I pondered over this, I put myself in the disciples’ shoes (Including Mary and Martha), thinking about the application of this to my current walk with God. Jesus says he was glad he was not there, though we see him in deep anguish over his friend’s death (33, 38). And again keep in mind Jesus knew that in a few moments, Laz was coming back to life again, yet he wept (35). This lack of action from Jesus caused him pain along with others like Mary and Martha, so why did he choose to let Laz die? Again, he did it for his followers, so that they might believe. So that they could have the opportunity amidst tragedy, to choose to believe in him, and as it says in verse 40 see the glory of God. I believe that sometimes God doesn’t take Immediate action, not out of a lack of love for those involved, but because he wants to give us the chance to believe in him and see the subsequent glory. As I live out my faith, amidst times where I find it hard to believe, I find that God is allowing me to again trust in him, believe in his power and willingness to love, and then witness his glory worked out before me. I hold fast to his steadfastness and faithfulness as I remind myself of all the ways he has worked in the past, and I will myself to believe that he will work once again in me and through me even when I feel as if nothing is being worked out at all. The second word that encouraged me recently was a quote by C.S Lewis in “Mere Christianity”. He writes,

~”About the second of these two, people are often worried. They are told they ought to love God. They cannot find any such feeling in themselves. What are they to do? The answer is the same as before. Act as if you did. Do not sit trying to manufacture feelings. Ask yourself, “If I were sure that I loved God, what would I do?” When you have found the answer, go and do it. On the whole, God’s love for us is a much safer subject to think about than our love for Him. Nobody can always have devout feelings: and even if we could, feelings are not what God principally cares about. Christian Love, either towards God or towards man, is an affair of the will. If we are trying to do His will we are obeying the commandment, “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God.” He will give us feelings of love if He pleases. We cannot create them for ourselves, and we must not demand them as a right. But the great thing to remember is that, though our feelings come and go, His love for us does not. It is not wearied by our sins, or our indifference; and, therefore, it is quite relentless in its determination that we shall be cured of those sins, at whatever cost to us, at whatever cost to Him” (Pg. 117-118).~

Feelings are constantly moving up and down. Like a ship being tossed to and fro we can find ourselves riding the swells of our highs and lows. However, if our faith was based on such a shifting thing and we followed our instincts to find something new to fill us, we would be as helpless as we were before amidst life’s storms. Faith is something we must cling to and believe in through a great effort of will. We must choose to love God and follow him even when our feelings and fleshly impulses are telling us to move on. But therein lies a great surprise and exhortation Lewis expounds upon. That when we choose to follow him, when we choose to love him and go and act it out, we find ourselves beginning to. Just as when we treat someone we dislike with love and care, we find them less and less unlikable. Love compounds upon love just as hate compounds upon hate. As I read this word and reviewed Lewis’ question “If I were sure that I loved God, what would I do?” I chose to respond as such. I know that God loves me, and I know in my soul a desperate wanting to love him more, yet sometimes my feelings don’t match up. But, in that and the word in John 11 lies the culmination of God’s words to me. Even when my feelings “feel” low, God “feels” far, and I struggle to “feel” as if I’m making much progress in my ministry and my walk at all, God calls me to willfully push forward. To believe and trust in his intentions and to see the following glory and love he has planned to work out in me and the lost. And that is where I stand. Broken, feeling low, but trusting and willfully choosing to love God, believing that I will see his glory as I’ve seen again and again his faithfulness throughout my life. For he is faithful and ready to save.

It’s amazing to see how God continually works on me, convicting and encouraging me day by day in new and confounding ways. I’m so thankful for his faithfulness and patience with me, especially in these past few weeks, along with being thankful for all the experiences he has continued to allow me to live in. Some of these were;

-Crazy fair rides, games, and dinner with church friends

-Nightly roommate athletic competitions

-BBQ and hide-and-seek

-Celebrating the end of Ramadan (Idulfitri) at friends’ homes and more pool (I did good this time!)

-Frisbee continuing to thrive and the joy of playing

-Birthday Celebrations

-Magic tricks, hospital visits, and testimonial encouragements

-Lasagna and rest

As we come to close here, some prayer requests for these final days in this place would be:

• Spiritual encouragement and thanksgiving to overflow my soul
•  Choosing to love God daily, rejecting sin, and enjoying his presence
•  For lives to be changed by the gospel
•  For open eyes and ears to God’s will in these final opportunities
•  For protection from the enemy in wasting time, or feeling discouraged and worthless

Only 18 days and I’ll be boarding a plane once again, leaving behind the relationships and experiences God has given me in this amazing place. Again, so thankful for all that has happened and all that will happen in the rest of this time, and I plan on hopefully unpacking the bigger reflections of the entirety of this deployment in my next post. However, because my next post would land extremely close to me leaving and reasonably my mind will be focused on making the most of that time, I’m planning on writing hopefully the week of May 12th. A little bit of a gap I know, but with all the flights, debriefs, and plans for my next deployment, it would be hard to write out anything in between. So, until then, I continue to rest in God’s love, as he continues to presently lead me into who he has planned for me to become. I know he has much in store, thus as I ride the highs and lows, I continue to believe and wait to see the glories God will presently reveal to me. I can’t wait to testify and share them with y’all so, until then, God be with y’all as he has continued to be with me and fill you with an abundance of heart-filling peace.